


Factum Duos

by faithinthepoor



Category: Wicked RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-16
Updated: 2014-07-16
Packaged: 2018-02-09 01:47:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1964337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faithinthepoor/pseuds/faithinthepoor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set during the filming of Rent</p>
            </blockquote>





	Factum Duos

**Author's Note:**

> Follows [Terminus Ad Quem](http://archiveofourown.org/works/682437)

She is never going to drink again. Her mouth feels like it became stuck together after something furry crawled inside there to die, her headache is so extreme that she is convinced that nothing short of decapitation will cure it and her gastric contents seem determined to exit her body by reverse paralysis and are repeatedly refluxing up to the back of her throat. It says a lot about her current predicament that she considers her physical discomfort to be the least of her problems, they are but a minor inconvenience when she compares them with the fact that there is definitely a soft body lying beside her own. She doesn’t open her eyes, that way she can avoid the searing pain of introducing them to the light and she can pretend that she doesn’t know the identity of the person that she is sharing a bed with, it’s a pointless effort because even if the curves weren’t familiar to her and even though there has apparently been a change in the perfume regime she would know Idina’s scent anywhere. 

There is little that she recalls of the preceding evening, when she tries to think about it she is greeted by a wall of blackness as though she has undergone a very specific lobotomy. She probably doesn’t want to recall it anyway; she has attended enough events where she has had to mingle with people who see Idina as Mrs Taye Diggs to know that it is unlikely that she found the evening enjoyable. She can only speculate as to how she has come to end the night in bed with Idina Menzel and there is not a single scenario that she can come up with that is comforting. Her only source of solace is that when she can distract herself from her thoughts long enough to focus on the parts of her body that are still functioning she discovers that the majority of her skin is not in direct contact with the sheets and she apparently remains fully clothed. 

Idina seems to be sleeping soundly and it would be the perfect opportunity to execute an escape plan if not for the small problem that she is in her own house. She does briefly flirt with the idea of leaving and never returning but in the end decides that re-entering the property market may in fact be a more odious task than having to face Idina. Debating such issues becomes less important when her priorities shift to the more immediate concern of the major seismic activity that is occurring in the stomach, compelling her to try and make it to the bathroom before she showers them both with vomit.

She returns from the bathroom, after what feels like an eternity, surprised that her skin isn’t shrivelled and cracked. The amount of liquid that her body has lost should have left her desiccated. She wonders if she managed to absorb water by osmosis as she sat under the spray of the shower too terrified to move in case it induced another bout of vomiting. Her eventual exit from the shower only occurred when the elements betrayed her and the hot water ran out.

Idina is sitting up in the bed, staring at the doorway as though she was awaiting Kristin’s return. “You’re still here,” she doesn’t know why she felt compelled to state something so obvious, it’s not as though Idina actually needs to be informed of this fact.

“I wouldn’t leave you,” Idina’s words don’t seem to belie anything other than concern but she can’t help feeling that there is a tacit accusation behind them, a pointed reminder that she is the one who left.

Her limbs shake and standing is difficult but she deliberates whether or not she should willingly climb into bed with Idina. “What are doing here anyway?” 

Idina looks crestfallen, “You don’t want me here?”

“I just don’t remember that much of last night and I need to know how we ended up here,” she gingerly waves her hand in the vicinity of the bed.

“You had a lot to drink and someone had to make sure you got home.”

She tries to keep her voice light, “And Taye didn’t mind you coming home with me?”

“Kristin you could hardly walk, I think he was happy that someone was looking after you.”

“Do you have any idea why my ankle is swollen or where the bruises on my legs came from?”

“The bruises might be my fault,” Idina looked remorseful, “I may have banged your legs into the wall a few times as I was carrying you up the stairs.” She tries not to find the image of Idina carrying her romantic but has little success. This certainly adds to her reluctance to place herself in close proximity to Idina but her physical limitations eventually overcome any doubts that she has and she stumbles to the bed, carefully positioning herself near the edge, as far from Idina as she feels she can be without risking a fall. “I don’t want you to take this the wrong way but your breath could kill things.”

“I tried to clean my teeth but it just made me vomit again.”

“My poor baby,” Idina giggles, making the sincerity of her statement dubious, as she reaches out to pull Kristen closer and Kristin’s body tenses in response.

“I’d prefer it if you didn’t touch me.”

Idina looks confused rather than chastened, “Well this is quite the change, last night I thought you were declaring your undying love for me and you definitely seemed to want to touch me.” The statement acts as a trigger, the words boring a hole through her brain and releasing information from her hippocampus that was better left suppressed. The images are disconnected so even though they return in technicolour detail it is more like watching a slide show than a movie but either way it’s something that she would prefer not to have to relive. She can recall watching Taye and Idina together, a montage of smiles, hugs and other public displays of affection and she remembers the guilt she felt at the thought that she had ever tried to come between them, however unintentionally. The fact that she never thought about Taye when she was with Idina doesn’t lesson her crime, it may in fact compound it. Seeing them together, seeing them happy, made her feel foolish – she has been busy carrying a torch for a relationship that is long dead. She has been fuelling the embers with wishes and fantasies, but they can never reignite, they can do nothing but smoulder and produce smoke that temporarily blinds her to the fact that Idina’s life is complete without her. 

The alcohol burned her oesophagus but did nothing to warm the empty cavity that used to hold her heart. It’s probably better that way, it’s easier to smile and pretend that it doesn’t bother her to see Idina glued to Taye’s side if she is dead inside. The liquor served as her crutch but also as her downfall because while it helped suppress the pain it also suppressed her common sense and released the part of her that wants Idina whatever the consequences or cost. She had spied Idina, sans Taye, at the bar and navigated her way through the crowd until she reached her goal, pressing her body along Idina’s back and wrapping her arms around Idina’s waist. Idina didn’t seem to need to check who was behind her, she grabbed an arm and pulled Kristin around so that she was facing Idina with her back against the bar. Idina had smiled indulgently at her, “You should go first, I may need to lift you up so that the bartender can see you.”

In response to the jibe she had stepped up onto the rail that skirted the lower part of the bar, “I don’t need you to get myself noticed.” Her words would have been much more dramatic if she hadn’t have believed that by attempting to lock her heals behind the rail she would be able to balance without the aid of her hands. It somewhat undermines your claim that you don’t need someone if you immediately fall and have to be caught be them. She felt her ankle twist awkwardly but noticed minimal pain as Idina set her back on the ground.

Idina had patted her head affectionately, “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Idina’s claim had been nothing other than friendly but her own admission was heartfelt.

“I know,” Idina replied but seemed more concerned with attracting the bartender’s attention than she did about conversing with Kristin.

“No,” she stated emphatically and skimmed her fingers over Idina’s hips and up under her shirt, “I love you.” Three small words delivered slowly and loudly.

Idina’s breath had hitched but obviously she was not at the same stage of drinking that Kristin was and didn’t believe that she was invisible or invincible, “Not here, not now.” Idina had spun her back around to face the bar and after they received their drinks she had returned to Taye.

After that the night recedes back into darkness but she imagines that she continued to drink, aiming for a blood alcohol level somewhere around clinically dead. What knowledge she does possess of the evening makes it hard for her to look Idina in the eyes, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, it was selfish of me to ask you to come.”

“I didn’t mean to ruin your evening but I knew there was a risk that I would and I came anyway so I’m the selfish one.”

“Okay so we’ve established that we are both selfish,” Idina’s hand moved to catch the ends of Kristin’s hair, sifting it through her fingers, “is it so wrong to want to see one another?”

“I don’t think that there is anything that is particularly right about what we want from one another at the best of times.”

“I guess not, I doubt this was what you were raised to want.”

She chuckles mirthlessly, “My family would probably disown me if they knew even a fraction of the thoughts I have about you.”

“I’m surprised that they haven’t already, how do they accept the fact that you sing and dance for a living?”

“What exactly do you think my upbringing was like?”

“Well you know, Southern Baptist, I’ve seen Footloose, I can do the math.” Idina is doing her best to look serious.

“That is honestly your impression of my childhood?”

“Absolutely, I have a hard time working the whole pageant girl thing into my vision so I have decided to ignore that.”

“So what, you have created an imaginary background dossier about me?” 

Idina looked sheepish, “Well when you say it like that it sounds kind of crazy.”

“If you want to know about my childhood you could just ask me.”

“It hurts too much to think about parts of your life that don’t involve me, if I had your future maybe I could hear about your past but as it stands I think it’s better that I don’t know.”

“I don’t buy that.”

Idina’s eyebrows rise in disbelief, “You think I am lying.”

“I don’t think you want any part of my life, you never talked about what we were doing when we were……” she thinks about saying ‘together’ but that doesn’t seem like an accurate description of their bizarre little relationship, “well when we were intimate.”

“I didn’t know how. I didn’t want to know what it meant that you let me take the lead, that you never pushed and seemed reluctant to touch me.”

“You didn’t seem to want me to.”

“I didn’t want you to do anything that you’d regret but it puzzled me, you jump into everything so enthusiastically that it was strange to see you so reserved.”

She shrugs and her muscles send her a painful message warning her to be very economical in her movements, “I didn’t want to do anything that would make you stop, that would make you disappear.”

She expected to hear a comment about her own departure so Idina’s reply seems to come out of left field, “I liked that you didn’t rush into whatever it was we were doing.”

“I don’t think I knew what we were doing, I am incredibly obtuse I didn’t even know that I wanted you until you kissed me.”

“I worried that the hesitance might just have been an act but I was okay with that, even if it wasn’t real, I felt like that act was for me alone. It was like silent, still Kristin was mine.”

“She was, she still is.” What she says is true but it terrifies her, “You could have my future if you wanted it.” 

“No I couldn’t it.”

“Because of him?”

“He has a name but no not because of Taye.’

“Then why?”

“Because you wouldn’t be happy. Because in the end I wouldn’t be enough.”

She has to swallow the bile that has risen to her throat before she can answer, “Then you don’t understand the way I feel about you.”

“Oh I know I am very special,” Idina’s self confident smirk does little to disguise the sadness in her eyes, “it’s just that I don’t think anyone would be enough to make up for the things that you would lose.”

“I am capable of making sacrifices.”

This time Idina’s smile was more genuine, “Of course you are but it would mean a lot of sacrifices.” The brunette seemed to have become fascinated by the strands of Kristin’s hair that she was currently wrapping around her fingers, “Your faith is important to you and you already have to walk a fine line in trying to please both the liberals and the conservatives.”

“I don’t know what people want from me. I am a Christian and I am a musical theatre actress, I think I pretty much wear my values on my sleave, why do people think that I should only be one or the other?” her voice became tight by the end of her question.

“What we do makes us public property and being with me would only make things worse.”

“I want to be able to say that I don’t care and that it wouldn’t matter but I don’t think I can,” she turned her head away and Idina’s fingers wove their way deeper into the golden stands.

“I don’t want to be a part of the reason that people would judge you and it wouldn’t be entirely positive for me either.”

“You did Rent, by definition you are going to have more forgiving fans and at least you won’t be the lesbian home wrecker.”

“No I’ll just be the unfaithful, immoral adulteress who broke her husband’s heart.”

“Why do we care what they think?”

“We need them in order to have a career, besides no-one wants to have people think badly of them but I think in your case that is a bigger problem than for most.”

She slowly turns over and waits for the tectonic plates in her abdomen to resettle before she replies, “Is this part of the background information that you have created for me?”

Idina looks away, “Yes.”

“Are you going to share it with me?”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“You thoughts are about me, I think I have a right to know,” her words would probably have more power if she didn’t sound so petulant and indignant.

Idina let out a sigh, “I think you have an incredible talent but I also think that you work incredibly hard and that it is unnaturally important for you to make people laugh, to make people like you. I think you need people to adore you to prove that it was wrong for your parents to give you up, to prove that you are wanted, that you are lovable.” 

She doesn’t want Idina’s words to be accurate so even though there is more than a kernel of truth in Idina’s suppositions, her response is defensive, “That’s really what you think of me?”

Idina moves down the bed so that their eyes are level and tucks Kristin’s hair behind her ear, “I think the world of you, I just wish you felt the same way about yourself.”

“My self-worth is not deficient.”

“I think it has to be or you wouldn’t have engaged in some sort of quasi-relationship with me and you wouldn’t be contemplating doing so again.”

“It’s not like I have any other alternatives.”

“There are always alternatives.”

“You have already decided that openly being together would be a disaster so that option doesn’t appear to be available.”

“You should move on and forget about me.”

“Why do you think I left? I tried to do that but it didn’t work, I think about you all the time. I would settle for a small part of you life if that is all I can have, it seems better than settling for being with someone else when I know that they can never be the one, that I am never going to be able to love them the way I love you.”

“It couldn’t work, you life is here and mine is in New York.”

“You could start by actually trying to keep in touch.”

“It’s too difficult.”

“You don’t have to train a carrier pigeon or learn smoke signals, you could pick up the phone or write and you may have heard of this new fangled invention called email.”

“It’s too painful.”

“You don’t miss me?”

Idina pulls Kristin body up so that it is draped over her own and Kristin has to suppress the sudden wave of nausea that this move produces, “I miss you every second of every single day but that doesn’t mean we can make this work.”

“I’m not asking for a lifetime commitment or a guarantee, I’m just asking that you don’t dismiss the idea.”

“I don’t know that I can ever offer what you need but I can give you today, I’m not shooting but Taye is so I am all yours.”

She doesn’t like that the declaration comes with the caveat about Taye but true to her word, she will take what she can get, “That’s a start.” Her torso selects that moment to emit a noticeable and worrying rumbling.

“Are you okay baby, you look kind of grey?”

“I think I need to try and get some more sleep, I might feel better then.”

“Okay. Can I do anything to make you feel better?”

“When I wake up you can cook me breakfast.”

“I don’t think you should be having anything that needs to be cooked.”

“No I am definitely going to need grease.”

Idina plants a kiss on her forehead, “You sleep sweetheart and I promise that for today we will pretend that there are no outside complications and act like we belong together.” She settles against Idina’s chest and while Idina’s fingers stroke her back she contemplates the irony of Idina’s words. She pretends and plays make believe on a professional level, she has created a public image that is a rough facsimile of the person behind it – their situation may be complicated but belonging with Idina is one of the few things in her life that isn’t an act.


End file.
